Seeing the Mother

Swami spent time with us every day that week. He continued to prepare us. The student is always under the observation of the master who is watching the student’s readiness. It’s important that the student be in the right frame of mind, peaceful and undisturbed, before entering the high-energy moments. Swami has a gift of getting you in the right state of mind without your notice. Then when everything is perfectly poised for success, he acts, but not a moment before.

Finally, one evening our group was called to the Jesus Temple. It was around 9 pm. I quickly showered and put on the fresh set of clothes I had laid out. Swami had told us to be ready to come at a moment’s notice. I felt my heart pounding as I walked to the temple.

When we arrived, Swami told us to sit in front of the Jesus statue and tell each other jokes, to make each other relax. Soon he returned and told us we would be starting our process. We would be having Her darshan in his southwest room downstairs. We would go in one at a time

We went downstairs together and waited in the outer room. A few people went in before me and I watched as each one came out. I will never forget, nor ever be able to describe the look on her face as she came out. Awe, amazement, wonder and shock, it was all there.

Then I rushed in. Seeing Her standing there was a shock. The room was filled with light She stood perfectly poised on a tiger skin. Stepping into the room was stepping into another world, Her world. She was indescribably beautiful. I never knew such beauty existed. She was absolutely dazzling. There was light coming from all around Her. She was self-luminous. She was the source of the illumination and the light was illuminating Her at the same time––She was lit from everywhere. Even though She was this pure radiant light, I was shocked to see how real She was. There is nothing that can prepare you for that. As often as Swami had told us She would appear in a physical form, I couldn’t really comprehend it until I saw Her with my own eyes.

Her face was so beautiful, as was every detail about Her. For some reason, Her long dark hair struck me; it was a little curly and some of the waves looked as if had been swept by the wind. She reminded me of the nature, there was such naturalness to Her beauty. She was Parvati, daughter of the mountain. She was dressed in a deep wine-colored sari, impeccably folded. She didn’t move; She was completely still, as if eternally poised. She was the embodiment of stitha pregnata(1). It felt as if nothing could ever disturb Her. She was immovable. She was barefoot and in Her left hand She held a trishula(2) with a damaruka(3) which was taller than She was. She was embodiment of shakti—pure magnetic energy and electric stillness.

And then looking at Her I had a feeling that I knew Her. I held my hands in prayer, and looked into Her big dark unblinking eyes, stepping out of time. At one point, a thought passed in my mind: “She looks so familiar.” She was so familiar to me, She was so familiar. I couldn’t quite place it. I know Her. I know Her. Who is She? Who is She? Then in a flash, I was looking at myself. It was beyond anything my mind could grasp. I have no idea how long I was looking at Her. It was an instant and an eternity at the same time. I was merging in Her energy. This continued until I heard Swami shouting from behind me, “Okay, talk! Talk!” It is a thrill to experience Swami in these moments. He is the master of the high shakti energy and to watch him handle that energy was awe inspiring.

Hearing Swami’s shouting made me come back. Immediately I remembered that I had to ask Her for a boon. “Please Mother, bless me…” She blessed me with what I asked for then I fell at Her feet in overwhelming gratitude. Lifting my forehead, I saw Her feet on the tiger skin. I had never seen such beautiful feet. They were so real, so human, they were slightly irregular not completely symmetrical. She had silver rings on Her second toes, which were slightly longer than Her big toes. I felt myself melting in Her energy. Then She blessed me again, this time by placing Her foot on my head. Her energy flowed in blissful waves on the top of my head. All I wanted was to be with Her and stay with Her forever. I did not want to come back.

I had no idea how far I had gone out until I heard Swami’s voice yell loudly, from what seemed like very far away, “Get up! Get up! Get up!” Again, he brought me back to this world. At the same time, he was kind of screaming at the Mother, in a commanding but loving way. I couldn’t understand what he was saying to Her, but the tone of his voice was incredibly familiar. It was clear they knew each other very well. That was another shock.

Somehow, I managed to get up. I stood before Her again, looked in Her eyes with my hands in prayer said, “Thank you Mother. See you again soon.” Then I felt Swami’s hand help me go out of the room.

My head spinning, I somehow made my way upstairs to the Jesus Temple. Swami said to go and look into Jesus’(4) eyes and repeat a specific mantra for a half an hour. He said if light was coming from Jesus’ eyes, to close my eyes. After a while Swami came and talked with me. He gave the most loving smile. He was beaming, he looked so happy. I felt like a child looking at her father. He asked me, “Have you ever seen such beauty? Tell me honestly.” 

“She was so beautiful. Her energy was so amazing. No, I’ve never seen anything so beautiful, Swami! Thank you. Thank you.” I was going on and on. I tried to express the depth of my gratitude to him. Without him, this experience would never have been possible. Sharing the joy of those moments with him was real happiness. Then he asked, “What do you want?” I said, “I want to bring Her blessings to the world.” He then rubbed his thumb and first finger together and manifested holy ash from his fingers into my outstretched hand. “Done,” he said.

My body was vibrating with energy, which was getting stronger with each passing moment. He told to go to sleep right there on the marble floor in front of Jesus. He told me, “Then I can do my work while you’re sleeping.” I fell asleep immediately and woke up the next morning with one of his shawls covering my body.

The next morning Swami sent a message that our group should go to Hampi for a few days to relax and digest the energy. The six of us got in cars outside of the mandir as Swami watched from above in Jesus Temple. He waved as we pulled off. I was deep in my own thoughts. I wondered, as I have many times since, ‘Who is Swami really? What soul is this that could bless others in this way?’ My heart was so open, so grateful to him. I marveled at this amazing path. This was just the beginning of the journey to the Mother; I couldn’t even remotely imagine what lay ahead.

The Mother Begins to Teach

Driving on the long car ride to Hampi, I watched the familiar landscape as if for the first time. It was a new world. In the first few days after seeing the Mother, I experienced Her shakti flowing in strong waves of ananda(5) that kept coming. I felt disconnected from the world in a most beautiful way. The events occurring in my life were like flashing images on a big screen. I was watching them play out but was separate from them. I only wanted to turn my attention to Her––the reality beyond the flashing images.

A few days later, I was sitting in a restaurant by myself in Hospet, in this blissful state, when an Indian woman in a sari walked in from the street outside. She walked through the restaurant then stopped at my table. She looked in my eyes and took my water glass and poured some water into it from the pitcher on the table. Then she drank the water. The whole time she kept looking at me straight in the eyes emotionless, she spoke no words. I watched, unmoving, in disbelief.

She placed my empty glass down, turned and walked straight out of the restaurant. While this was happening, some energy struck me. As soon as the woman left the restaurant, I realized it was the Mother! Swami had told us that the Mother could come again, to be alert. The Mother could come in any form, appear in our rooms, in our dreams. She was starting to teach us about Her Creation.

Those days were filled with an undercurrent of bliss that continued despite whatever was happening in the outside world. As each day unfolded, I felt the Mother close and I felt Her teaching through the insights that came into my consciousness. One of those insights was about the nature of women. I was struck at how I saw each woman now, no matter if it she was young or old, girl or woman, plain or beautiful, she had the energy of the Mother. It wasn’t a mental construct or belief. I was experiencing the Mother’s energy in every woman. This was the beginning of my understanding of the power of the divine feminine that each woman holds.

It took a long time for me to digest my darshan with the Mother. It was all so much, Her light, Her beauty, Her shakti. When my mind would try return to those moments with Her, I couldn’t focus on them directly. A line from an Emily Dickinson poem kept coming to mind: “The light must dazzle gradually, or every man be blind.”(6)   I had to digest the Mother’s light and energy drop-by-drop. Swami describes the experience of being with Her as “stepping out of the five elements, even though you’re still in the five elements.” You are straddling both worlds simultaneously, the seen and the unseen, the illusion and reality. You are in your physical body but beyond it at the same time. Going back to replay those moments felt like trying to hold the ocean in my hand.

A few weeks later I was sitting with Swami. He shared that he had a beautiful darshan with the Mother the night before. He said softly, “You really have to know Her love and Her bliss. You have to.”(7)

A few months later Swami was teaching more about Mother Divine using the examples of our group’s experiences to instruct the other students. He said, “Handling Mother Divine when you see Her is very important. For example, when Monika was seeing Mother Divine there was a beautiful energy. Monika had to express her feelings with Mother Divine when I was there. When Monika came in the room, I was really shocked – maybe she was going to touch Mother Divine’s feet. I was really, really nervous. Monika completely hit her head to the floor in a pranam. Then Mother Divine put Her foot on Monika’s head. It never happened to anybody before in history. It only happened to Balichakravarti when Vishnu put his foot on that king’s head. Vishnu made that king to go down on the floor for a different reason. In Monika’s case, there is a different reason it happened.

So, learning to handle Mother Divine when you have Her darshan is super important. There has to be super clarity and a pure open heart in those moments.”

Sri Kaleshwar's Teachings about the Mother 

In the years that have followed my first darshan experience with Mother Divine, there have been other experiences with the Mother. Through Swami’s grace I have continued to deepen my relationship with Her. Everything that I know and understand about the Divine Mother comes directly from Swami’s grace, hard work, and his sharing of the ancient knowledge. Of all the times on this planet, it is very easy now, in this period of the Kali Yugu,(8) to pull Mother Divine into physical form for darshan.

After connecting to the Mother––having darshan and conversations with Her––Her energy begins to work directly with you. In the shakti channels, there are eleven strokes, stages of the energy with the Mother. During each of these strokes, She transmits a part of Her energy to you. This occurs during your darshan experiences with Her. Everyone has 100% right to connect with Mother Divine. Once you have darshan and connect to Her, your soul’s vibration changes forever. When you talk to Her, for at least that short time during darshan, you are equal to, or very near Her vibrational level. We are each made of the same vibrations as Her; we came from Her and we will return to Her. When you are connecting to Her, you are finding yourself.

Swami told us to keep starving and begging for Her love. Through doing a shakti channel meditation process(9) you are equalizing your vibrations with Her energy. Each meditation is like drinking from Her breast, sustaining, nourishing and growing you. There you can find satchidananda.(10) Eventually, through the grace of a master, the Mother must come to you, like a bee to the flower. To connect with the Her, you have to begin with only one strong desire, “I have to see and talk with my Divine Mother.” Swami teaches, “Then, with sankalpam,(11) drop even that desire, and keep going with your meditation. Step by step calm down your desires. At the same time Mother Divine’s energy will be growing strongly in you.”

Connecting with Mother Divine establishes a link, a bond with your energy. She won’t ignore you; you will never feel alone. When you are connecting with Her, never give up; never make the sankalpam in your heart that it is okay stop. Keep going until you reach Her. In the shakti channels, to stop short of Her is to be caught in an early stage of bliss.

Once you connect with Her it is like stepping into a fire or having a sweet pain in the head. She opens your chakras and starts to teach through your thinking - Swami calls them ‘brilliant thoughts.’ The process with Her makes you a shaktidhute, a messenger of the Mother. Mother Divine will then decide how to use your life in the most beautiful way. Then after a certain stage, through your relationship with Her you can negotiate with Her like a lawyer, on behalf of others.

When you ask the Divine Mother for something, make sure you are asking for the world, not for your own selfishness. This is very important. For example, “Give me the ability to help and heal the world, to heal the heartbreak in the people, to make a person fall in love with God.” Ask for something specific.

Everything can be in one simple request to Her. Swami says, “It needs capacity, resistance power. You need to know how to keep the tire pressure up. You need a master in the beginning stages, everyone needs that.”

(1) Equanimity
(2) Shiva’s trident, destroyer of negativity
(3) Shiva’s drum representing the primordial sound of the Creation
(4) The Jesus statue in the Jesus Temple
(5) The bliss of eternal love
(6) “Tell All the Truth but Tell It Slant" by Emily Dickinson “The Complete Poems of Emily Dickinson,” ed. Thomas H. Johnson. Little, Brown and Co., 1960
(7) As of this writing hundreds of Sri Kaleshwar’s students have had darshan of Mother Divine
(8) The present age, the fourth and darkest age of the Creation cycle
(9) Those given by Sri Kaleshwar from the ancient manuscripts
(10) Literally, “truth (sat), consciousness (chid) and bliss (ananda);” the bliss of true consciousness
(11) Focused intention; divine willpower